Dawaai Blog

How I overcame depression – My Survival Story

Depression is often about pretending to be happy and plastering a smile on your face while you’re dying inside. It is about dreading the downward spiral that comes after a period of relative stability. It is about looking at the computer screen for hours at work and not even writing a single sentence. It is about losing aspects of yourself and watch as a bystander as you vanish in front of your eyes. It is also about visualizing yourself hanging from a fan, with the image constantly being replayed in your mind. It is always asking yourself “Why me?” and “When will this suffering end”. And then you answer yourself “Probably not”
People think that those who are depressed will often be cooped up in their rooms. They would feel sad all the time. At times, my illness manifested itself in the form of irritation. The thoughts inside my head got too loud that I would snap at everyone who was near me in the vicinity. While there was perpetual sadness, it was not only in the form of tears that people express their sadness. They get irritated and annoyed at small things. It’s just not in the form of sadness. So just because a person isn’t crying with tears doesn’t mean that s/he is not crying inside. “You’re being melodramatic” when you tell them about the spectrum of emotions that you feel on a minute by minute basis or when you tell them you’re deeply hurt or “You’re self-diagnosing yourself” when you tell them that you’re unable to eat hence the reason for losing weight but they say that it is because of all the cigarettes that you have been smoking. They don’t understand that you feel the pangs of hunger but the thought of food is nauseating.

depressionI don’t know what kept me going to be very honest. Perhaps I had an excellent social support network in the form of my friends who are sensitized to mental illnesses. I have my dream job. And the fact that there are so many people who want me to get better and who are on my side. That helped. A lot. I have also been always determined and ambitious so even when I was unable to concentrate or function effectively, there was this voice at the back of my head that I need to get out of this as soon as possible. So I would often try to detach myself from the emotions and try to be objective. So whenever I would overdose with emotions, I would just reach out to someone (a friend or even my therapist). Oh yeah, my therapist is brilliant. She answers my calls and messages so when you’re having a breakdown, you don’t want to wait until your next appointment.

So I think that was the strength too. And of course, this awareness about mental health before I started suffering from depression. Thank God I battled stigma, which makes it even more important that people should be made aware of it, so they seek help immediately. My life could have turned disastrous had I not sought help immediately when I started realizing that I had these symptoms. What keeps me going is perhaps this amazing need to self-preserve which had always been a part of me (apart from the self-destructive mode). And also my friends. They didn’t lace me with guilt. They would understand. I would talk to them for hours. So I am relatively stable.

(A true account based on a survivor’s experience  – Courtesy: Taskeen)



Related Posts

Scroll to Top